the most terrifying responsibility

(i found intense inspiration for this post here, please read.)

i have two children to raise.

i want Hunter to be a man. a 'hold-her-hand', 'kill-some-supper', 'not-too-tough-to-pray-on-my-knees', 'dirt-under-my-fingernails', 'farm-boy' man.

i want Adalia to be a woman. a 'modesty-before-style', 'meek-but-strong', 'cookin-in-an-apron', 'tender-loving-care', 'proverbs-31' woman.

i want to pray against generational sin poking its ugly head around in their lives. i want them to memorize scripture so often that its stuffed to the brim in their hearts. i want them to help the helpless and love the unloved. i want them to want not, but to also understand frugality and sacrifice. i want them to love america. i want them to guard their hearts. i want them to be thankful, humble, gracious, giving, perserverant (new word?), Bible-loving, obedient, thoughtful, slow-to-anger perfect creations of a perfect Creator.

i need to rely on the grace of my eternal God to be the parent they need me to be. i have to commit daily to be up to the challenge. to intercede for them in prayer, to discipline them, to love them unconditionally, and to raise them up in the way that they should go.

and I AM A FAILURE. i am a mess-up and a learn-the-hard-way fool. i am undisciplined and a sinner. but God knew just what my kiddos needed in a parent, in a mother, and He completes me if I am in Him and remain in Him and trust in Him and use His strength.

what a terrifying responsibility! and what an undeserved honor...

"babies are always more trouble than you thought- and more wonderful"

(Title quote by Charles Osgood)

When I found out that I was pregnant, I had high hopes and big plans. I planned to breastfeed till Adalia was at least one, use cloth diapers, make my own baby food, get her sleeping through the night by three months, use only natural soaps, and never let any food coloring or preservatives touch my precious babies lips.

Now, almost nine months later, Adalia is in generic Target brand diapers, drinking formula, just licked her first Dorito, still not sleeping through the night, and getting soaped up with any baby soap that I can reach at the time.

And, guess what? I DON'T MIND! Haha.

My big, bold baby plans were smashed to bits when this sweet bundle was set on my chest after twenty short minutes of pushing her out of the safest home she will ever know.

She is currently teething, has fallen off a full size (full height) bed, falls down regularly and often finds the corner of something on the way down. She screams so loud it legitimately hurts my ears, making them ring for a few minutes after her most peircing shreiks.

But you can't stay mad at a face like this :)

And just to clarify, my views on how important breastfeeding is or how much healthier cloth diapers are haven't changed...My milk dried up around six months, despite nursing often, pumping, staying hydrated and eating healthy! We switched to disposable diapers because we had to move out of our home into an apartment that doesn't have a good enough washing machine to get them clean. And she eats organic baby food, even though I buy most of it. She grabbed a dorito from her brother while I was washing dishes and by the time my hands were dry, she had already licked it.

My post was mostly just about how I had to die to some expectations. God is still good and my kids are still healthy even though its not the perfect scene I had imagined! Sometimes we have to die to our expectations of perfection, and that is what I had to do! I love my kiddos so much and always only want what is best for them!

"our house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy"

(Title quote by unknown author.)

So, our evening routine consists of bath time for both bonzos, followed by a bottle for Adalia and a cup of milk for Hunter while we wind down for bed by watching about ten or fifteen minutes of a movie.

This is my chance. Tom takes the kids and heads to the basement family room. I get to lock the doors, close the blinds, clear the table, put leftovers away, get a midnight bottle all set up on the counter, gather up the kids clothes and toys strewn across the living room, shut off all the overhead lights, and turn on the little light above the stove.

I don't know why, but this is soothing for me. Maybe it's tying up loose ends. Closing off the day. Calling it a night. Picking up the clutter. Letting go of all the chaos and worry of the day and saying "No more till tomorrow...".

Anyway, now Tom is reading news articles while I blog. We are both sipping some wine and just having some much needed  s l o w  time.

This is me, ready for bed and loving my evening routine :)

"to bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while"

(Title quote by Josh Billings.)

My parents are amazing! I want to dedicate this post to them. My dad is my strong, thoughtful, outgoing, big hearted, super funny, handy hero. My mother is my sweet, humble, hilarious, submissive, organized, intelligent hero. They compliment each other more perfectly than sunflowers and sunshine. They love with an impressive and longlasting love. They have been through it all and more together and still take the time to bring each other coffee and make out in the shoe closet!

My dad taught me what is means to love family. He taught me how to love a daughter and show her God's worth. He has told me that I am worth fighting for and has acted on that. He has told me that I was worth waiting for, and forgave me and loved me when I acted outside of that.

My mom has taught me how to be a wife. She has taught me the importance of being a quick learner. She has showed me how to pray and wait patiently. She has loved me despite the countless hurts I have inflicted. She has been a listening ear when I have needed it most.

Thanks, daddy and mumshy! I will always be your bunny, your lizbeth, your hank bumpster, your baby girl.