the kind of woman i wish to be...

Lately, I haven't been the person I want to be.

I have been petty, easily offended, quick to anger, quicker to complain, lazy, slow to serve, self-centered, and all around awful.

Proverbs 31:10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

A Proverbs 31 wife probably doesn't push an issue to prove that she is right. She probably doesn't skip reading her Bible...for like six months. She probably doesn't argue with her husband over silly issues. She probably doesn't spend her money irresponsibly. She probably doesn't complain about her post-baby body. She probably doesn't waste an hour on facebook when she has tasks that need completing.

She probably doesn't....but I totally do.

I can blame it on the fact that I'm tired, or didn't get coffee, or feel sick, or am really stressed, or because its hot outside, or cold outside, or because Adalia is being tough, or because whatever.

The fact of the matter is that the only thing to blame is my enormous lack of character. I need to get on my knees and pray. I need to seek the Lord and ask for strength, wisdom, grace and perseverance. I need to get into the Word. I need to be humble and learn to let things go.

I don't have any solutions or uplifting words, but I felt like sharing.

Hope you are all having an awesome Tuesday!

the most terrifying responsibility

(i found intense inspiration for this post here, please read.)

i have two children to raise.

i want Hunter to be a man. a 'hold-her-hand', 'kill-some-supper', 'not-too-tough-to-pray-on-my-knees', 'dirt-under-my-fingernails', 'farm-boy' man.

i want Adalia to be a woman. a 'modesty-before-style', 'meek-but-strong', 'cookin-in-an-apron', 'tender-loving-care', 'proverbs-31' woman.

i want to pray against generational sin poking its ugly head around in their lives. i want them to memorize scripture so often that its stuffed to the brim in their hearts. i want them to help the helpless and love the unloved. i want them to want not, but to also understand frugality and sacrifice. i want them to love america. i want them to guard their hearts. i want them to be thankful, humble, gracious, giving, perserverant (new word?), Bible-loving, obedient, thoughtful, slow-to-anger perfect creations of a perfect Creator.

i need to rely on the grace of my eternal God to be the parent they need me to be. i have to commit daily to be up to the challenge. to intercede for them in prayer, to discipline them, to love them unconditionally, and to raise them up in the way that they should go.

and I AM A FAILURE. i am a mess-up and a learn-the-hard-way fool. i am undisciplined and a sinner. but God knew just what my kiddos needed in a parent, in a mother, and He completes me if I am in Him and remain in Him and trust in Him and use His strength.

what a terrifying responsibility! and what an undeserved honor...

date night isn't always...

Date night isn't always for candlelit dinners. Date night isn't always for swoony, knowing glances across the table. Date night isn't always for dimly lit, trendy restaurants and your cutest new outfit.

Sometimes, date night is to get away just for a minute. Sometimes, date night means getting to those hard topics that the average day doesn't have time for. Sometimes, date nights will have a few more tears than smiles or kisses. And sometimes, date nights will start out with arguements.

I love Tom with my whole heart, but last night, our date night meant talking through how we could get through another day without every talk turning into a disagreement (even though, in our hearts, we know that we are honored to spend forever together and we love each other deeply and dearly.) Date night started out with hearing that our table wouldn't be ready for over an hour, but that if we wanted to drive around, they would call us when it was available. So, we took that as an excellent way to make time for seeing Christmas in the Park and drive around seeing all the festive houses in town.

But shortly into our drive, I told Tom something that was weighing on me. Weighing on me like an elephant on my left lung. BRUTAL. And it had to do with something I was asking him to work on. ROUGH. It took about two seconds for us to be fuming and defensive. It took about three seconds for me to feel like he was a million miles away. And it took about four seconds before I was ready to just go home and go to bed.

Marriage isn't always what you dreamed about as a little girl. Sometimes, marriage is like our date last night. You start with high expectations, get hurt and let down, learn a bit about yourself and a ton about your spouse, then find a balance where you can love each other despite a hurt heart, and sometimes it will even mean letting go of a hurt or opinion that God almost has to pry out of your little fingers.

I can happily report that we ended our evening sitting on the same side of the table (which was only awkward for everyone around us, but was so snuggly and sweet for us), smiling swoony smiles, kissing a ton, and sincerely apologizing to each other for a small list of wrong-doings.

bad to the bone

You know that question that people pass around..."Why do bad things always happen to good people?"

Are you a good person?

Really?

Did you say yes?

I, honestly, said no. When did we mix this up? When did we start feeling so entitled? Since when do we deserve ANYTHING besides death for our sin?

Please understand that I am not forgetting salvation. Jesus died for us so that we can live forever in heaven if we accept the perfect gift of His love and sacrifice for us.

But we are SIN. We are sinful by nature, bad to the bone. We have a lot to look forward to after death if we are saved...but this life, this life never holds promises of ease or comfort. This is not our home and many of us suffer deeply and often for the time we are here.

It seems like the nicest people get cancer. It seems like the sweetest children are born with tumors and heart diseases. It seems like the most mature of my girlfriends have to go through brutal break-ups. It's always the people with great marriages that end up in fatal car accidents. The sweetest mom has the child with special needs. The most fantastic families whose homes burn to the ground.

But, don't be fooled. We are not so good that we are undeserving. We are filth. Outside of Christ we are sin so dark that God cannot stand us.

This may seem like a brutal reminder, but I was thinking on this today and wanted to share. We often need to be reminded of grace, salvation, mercy, peace, love and sweet praise-worthy promises. But today I thought that I would remind you of our hideousness in sin...but not to bring you down. No, I think we need to look at our horrible sinfulness to help us remember how much we need salvation, how much we need our Savior.

"i was over until you kissed my lips and you saved me"

(Title quote by Adele)

lake bled, slovenia

lake bled castle

in the rynek at poznan, poland

in the rynek at wroclaw, poland

cool abondoned building on lake bled in slovenia

There were days when I thought that a sweet song would save my mood.

There have been days when I believed with my whole heart that my husband was my rock.

There have been days when I thought my strength would be enough because I needed to be strong for my kids.

There have been days when I was certain that a Chai Breve Latte from Starbucks would force the stars into alignment in my favor.

There have been weeks that I thought I couldn't get through if not for the 'light at the end of the tunnel' with Tom coming home on the weekend.




All these little things, all these fixes, seem so innocent. But they turn so quickly into idols in my heart. I turn to things rather than my Savior to save me. I look for a sad song on a weepy day. I look for a chance to run to the store without the kids on a busy day. I look to my husband on a day that I am extra insecure.

I am so quick to turn to anything besides my King. When I should be bowing my head in prayer, I rest my head for a nap. When I should be raising my hands in praise, I am reaching for anything else to fix my attitude.

This is an enormous problem that I see in heart and in my life. I want to change it. I want to abide in Christ rather than relying on the world. My choices fail me each and every time. They are short term fixes that barely last a moment.

These choices also lead me away from Christ in crisis. When it is not my habit to seek out the Lord in each and every little passing moment and need, then it is certainly not my default setting during trials. I get overstressed, overly anxious, and quickly angered and overwhelmed. This issue needs immediate attention!

Do any of you struggle with this?

Are any of you SUPER excited that I finally got back to my blog???

(((CAUSE I AM)))

i don't think he's an optimist...

I think God is a realist.

When I think about God, I would like to think that He sits in a field, smiling at daisies, laughing a big belly laugh. But I think that if I really thought about who God is, it would be more of a realist...but a joyful realist.

I think He smiles and wishes that every situation would be rainbows and jellybeans, but He knows that it's necessary to weep and to war. He knows that there is a time for serious contemplation and tough action. He knows there is a time for justice and a time for discipline. Also, I am so sure that He laughs, smiles, sings, and dances.

I have a hard time feeling like 'optimism = joyfulness'. I think reality sucks. But the reality of that attitude is that it's a lie. There are starving, dying, sick, sinful, lost people everywhere. I need to be aware of that. I can't write that out of my optimistic world. I can't pretend that this isn't a fallen world, deeply in need of active warriors for Christ, out fighting the good fight.

Sometimes, the sadness of it all is weighty. SO weighty. It sits on my heart like a greasy cheeseburger. And I want to forget about it. I want to have ignorant bliss. But we are called to serve, we are called to action, we are called to help the hurt and lost and broken. The widows and orphans and helpless.

And we are also called to be joyful in the knowledge of God's unfailing faithfulness, His vast promises, His gracious gift of salvation and eternity. So, this realism, this new attitude...it has to be balanced with an abiding joy in the absolute perfection of the plan that Christ has for each of His lovely creations. He takes all the broken, mixed up garbage in the world and turns it around to glorify His worthy name!

What an amazing God we love!

the horrible, nasty, mean things that i think...

The view from Monkey Bear Falls

I'm back!!! Hello!


So, over the last few days I have been thinking on the fact that I have some pretty skewed views. I have some attitudes, habits, and opinions that are way more worldly than Godly...and I would like to explore these things in a little mini-series.

Today, I was thinking about how justified I feel in my harsh responses toward my husband and my kids. I make every kind of excuse as to why it should be alright for me to be quick to anger.

Some examples, you ask?? How about when it's "that time of the month" and I rudely push my husband away? How about when I am trying to listen to someone talk and Hunter makes an obnoxious noise and I angrily tell him to be quiet? How about when Adalia woke up from her seven second nap, when I really wanted a break, and I pull her out of her crib with a crappy attitude? How about when I have been up for two hours with the kids, and my husband wakes up still feeling "tired" and I sit there thinking to myself, "What a prick...HE is tired...he has NO CLUE what tired even is"?

I bet some of you readers are thinking...."You are a horrible person. I am never reading your blog again. I don't think those things; you have some major issues." Probably true. But stick with me. I am trying to be honest in hopes of sharing some of the beauty of God with you.

My ugliness comes from a sinful nature that is so deep in us that sometimes I think my bones are made of a desire to sin. That being said, I am a new creation, made COMPLETELY complete in the blood of Christ. And I strongly desire to be Christ-like in all that I do. Those thoughts, those attitudes, those actions, they are coming from a place in me that I fight. The world, satan, and our lazy sinfulness would tell me that I am completely justified in my frustration. But, I believe that God has something else to say about it.


2 Corinthians 5:14 For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!


Rather than blaming my attitude on the circumstances around me, I want to take responsibility for my wrongs and try to change. I want to always respond in love, in gentleness, with kindness and understanding.

Do you ever blame your attitude on your circumstances? Is this an area that God is trying to work on your heart?

aren't we so quick to judge?

When we see someone prettier, thinner, more put together, a working mother, a family out with terribly misbehaved children.

Or even when we read someone's words.

We are so quick to judge. We think, "She must not eat well if she is thin" or "She must be ok with daycare since she works" or "She must not care about her baby as well as I care for mine if she uses formula" or "She must have a perfect life" or "She ..."

Why is our first instinct to judge rather than understand? Why do we assume the worst rather than the best? Why isn't love our default setting on how we treat others?

I am just as guilty, or more so, than anyone else. I desire so strongly to live as an example of understanding, of love, of sisterhood! I want to band together with other women, loving them, supporting them, sticking up for them, protecting their reputation. Its an epidemic, because too often, after we are hurt, we turn and do the same to others. We need to all work together to change this trend of betrayal and hatred and judgement toward one another.

Is this an area you struggle with as well? Will you work on this with me?