"you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness"

(Title quote from song I currently cannot stop listening to: "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Walk Off The Earth {cover of a Goyte song})

How long do wise words stick with you? How long do you think on things after they touch your heart?

I heard an amazing message this morning from our pastor, Bob Bartlett (you can download it here). It really touched my heart and I felt God moving the wheels in my head for how I should apply it to my life. And I thought on this for about......ten minutes.

Then, we walked out of the building and my mind went to "gee, it's cold", "i wish the kids were able to take a nap right now", "i have a ton of homework to do tonight", "did Tom start the car or will it be freezing", blah blah BLAH.

Since when are my life and the petty things of the 'day to day' more important that my relationship with the Lord. Rather than chatting with Tom about the groceries, I could have continued mulling over the message by talking to him about it. I could have told him that I wanted to pray together about being a more vision and mission driven family.

And while we are on the topic of my relationship with the Lord, let me just share with you the prayer that I ought to be saying on repeat all. day. long.

Dear Lord,

Lord, you are to be praised. You are worthy, and I am thankful for this moment of prayer.

Please help me seek you and serve you in each moment today. Help me prioritize. Fill me with your love, grace, mercy and patience.

Please sell our house.

Also, open the hearts of people around us to our ministry with Stable Days. We know, Lord, that you have a big heart for children who are hurting and in need, and as we seek to serve these kids, we know that you are providing all we need. Continue to provide donors, volunteers, prayer support and wisdom in all we do with this ministry.

Lord, protect my children and my marriage. I want my children to grow in you each day, and I want my marriage to grow each day on the foundations of your Word and your perfect example of unconditional, eternal love.

Forgive me for my sins.

Amen.

P.S. Help me figure out what in the world went wrong with my student loans and why ALL OF THE SUDDEN they decided that I don't qualify for a grant or loan of any type. I know you have a good plan for me; help me keep that in mind despite my current confusion.

Amen, for real.

Ok. SO that is that. Now you know my head and my heart for today.

Last, but not least. My one and only comment leave-er on the giveaway blog....RACHEL! You are the grand prize winner! Please email me your address and I will send you your cozy blanket and rock-star bracelet! Thanks for participating! (hannah.e.lizabeth@live.com is my email)

the kind of woman i wish to be...

Lately, I haven't been the person I want to be.

I have been petty, easily offended, quick to anger, quicker to complain, lazy, slow to serve, self-centered, and all around awful.

Proverbs 31:10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

A Proverbs 31 wife probably doesn't push an issue to prove that she is right. She probably doesn't skip reading her Bible...for like six months. She probably doesn't argue with her husband over silly issues. She probably doesn't spend her money irresponsibly. She probably doesn't complain about her post-baby body. She probably doesn't waste an hour on facebook when she has tasks that need completing.

She probably doesn't....but I totally do.

I can blame it on the fact that I'm tired, or didn't get coffee, or feel sick, or am really stressed, or because its hot outside, or cold outside, or because Adalia is being tough, or because whatever.

The fact of the matter is that the only thing to blame is my enormous lack of character. I need to get on my knees and pray. I need to seek the Lord and ask for strength, wisdom, grace and perseverance. I need to get into the Word. I need to be humble and learn to let things go.

I don't have any solutions or uplifting words, but I felt like sharing.

Hope you are all having an awesome Tuesday!

the most terrifying responsibility

(i found intense inspiration for this post here, please read.)

i have two children to raise.

i want Hunter to be a man. a 'hold-her-hand', 'kill-some-supper', 'not-too-tough-to-pray-on-my-knees', 'dirt-under-my-fingernails', 'farm-boy' man.

i want Adalia to be a woman. a 'modesty-before-style', 'meek-but-strong', 'cookin-in-an-apron', 'tender-loving-care', 'proverbs-31' woman.

i want to pray against generational sin poking its ugly head around in their lives. i want them to memorize scripture so often that its stuffed to the brim in their hearts. i want them to help the helpless and love the unloved. i want them to want not, but to also understand frugality and sacrifice. i want them to love america. i want them to guard their hearts. i want them to be thankful, humble, gracious, giving, perserverant (new word?), Bible-loving, obedient, thoughtful, slow-to-anger perfect creations of a perfect Creator.

i need to rely on the grace of my eternal God to be the parent they need me to be. i have to commit daily to be up to the challenge. to intercede for them in prayer, to discipline them, to love them unconditionally, and to raise them up in the way that they should go.

and I AM A FAILURE. i am a mess-up and a learn-the-hard-way fool. i am undisciplined and a sinner. but God knew just what my kiddos needed in a parent, in a mother, and He completes me if I am in Him and remain in Him and trust in Him and use His strength.

what a terrifying responsibility! and what an undeserved honor...

"i was over until you kissed my lips and you saved me"

(Title quote by Adele)

lake bled, slovenia

lake bled castle

in the rynek at poznan, poland

in the rynek at wroclaw, poland

cool abondoned building on lake bled in slovenia

There were days when I thought that a sweet song would save my mood.

There have been days when I believed with my whole heart that my husband was my rock.

There have been days when I thought my strength would be enough because I needed to be strong for my kids.

There have been days when I was certain that a Chai Breve Latte from Starbucks would force the stars into alignment in my favor.

There have been weeks that I thought I couldn't get through if not for the 'light at the end of the tunnel' with Tom coming home on the weekend.




All these little things, all these fixes, seem so innocent. But they turn so quickly into idols in my heart. I turn to things rather than my Savior to save me. I look for a sad song on a weepy day. I look for a chance to run to the store without the kids on a busy day. I look to my husband on a day that I am extra insecure.

I am so quick to turn to anything besides my King. When I should be bowing my head in prayer, I rest my head for a nap. When I should be raising my hands in praise, I am reaching for anything else to fix my attitude.

This is an enormous problem that I see in heart and in my life. I want to change it. I want to abide in Christ rather than relying on the world. My choices fail me each and every time. They are short term fixes that barely last a moment.

These choices also lead me away from Christ in crisis. When it is not my habit to seek out the Lord in each and every little passing moment and need, then it is certainly not my default setting during trials. I get overstressed, overly anxious, and quickly angered and overwhelmed. This issue needs immediate attention!

Do any of you struggle with this?

Are any of you SUPER excited that I finally got back to my blog???

(((CAUSE I AM)))

my attitude was stinking more than adalia's poopy diaper...

Good morning! This is my new perm...after two days of sleeping on it, getting spit up on, and chasing our energetic three year old around the house! I promise to post better pictures of it after I have some time to shower!


Topic of my heart today: have you ever tried to change your attitude without changing your circumstance?

This morning as I was playing with our two kids, I got the bad mood bug. And for like thirty minutes I just kept thinking, "Once Tom gets home, I can give him the kids, take a hot shower, and work on changing my mood." One problem with this idea is that if I wouldn't have changed my mood before Tom got home, I probably would have been rude, needy, pushy, quick to anger...towards Tom, my unsuspecting and sweet husband. My bad attitude would have had the potential to ruin his day. The second major flaw in that plan is that I would have learned nothing. I would have let my laziness of character win this battle. I wouldn't have to pray through it. AND rather than giving glory to God when I finally worked up a mood change...I would have thanked my husband and my shower. God deserves praise and it is so easy to steal that praise away from Him and give it to 'idols' and others.

So, that is another lesson learned.

A question for my readers...and a sneak peek at my topic for tomorrow: how many of you (mothers and wives especially) have felt that restlessness in your heart to do something...anything besides your mothering and wifely job? To clarify, how many of you just get burned out and think that you just want to be a rocket scientist today or a doctor or a barista or an adventurer, rather than doing what God has called you to do? Maybe a discontentment...  Anyway, HIT ME UP! Let me know what you think...what have you gone through in this regard...and any wisdom you could pass on about the subject!

a dangerous thing to skip...

These prayers correspond with the day of the month, so you have a different topic every day for each month! Prayer is the one of the only ways, as a parent, that we can truly protect our children and their character!

Click here for a pretty print out of these prayers!

31 Days of Prayer for Your Child

1. Salvation “Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory” (Isaiah 45:8, 2 Timothy 2:10).

2. Growth in Grace “I pray that they may ‘grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ’” (2 Peter 3:18).

3. Love “Grant, Lord, that my children may learn to ‘live a life of love,’ through the Spirit who dwells in them” (Ephesians 5:2, Galatians 5:22).

4. Honesty and Integrity "May integrity and honesty be their virtue and their protection” (Psalm 25:21, NLT).

5. Self-control "Father, help my children not to be like many others around them, but let them be ‘alert and self-controlled’ in all they do” (1 Thessalonians 5:6)

6. A Love for God’s Word "May my children grow to find your Word ‘more precious than gold, than much pure gold; [and] sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb’” (Psalm 19:10).

7. Justice "God, help my children to love justice as you do and to ‘act justly’ in all they do” (Psalm 11:7, Micah 6:8).

8. Mercy ”May my children always ‘be merciful, as [their] Father is merciful’” (Luke 6:36).

9. Respect (for self, others, authority) "Father, grant that my children may ’show proper respect to everyone,’ as your Word commands” (1 Peter 2:17a).

10. Strong, Biblical Self-Esteem ”Help my children develop a strong self-esteem that is rooted in the realization that they are ‘God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus’” (Ephesians 2:10).

11. Faithfulness “‘Let love and faithfulness never leave [my children],’ but bind these twin virtues around their necks and write them on the tablet of their hearts” (Proverbs 3:3).

12. Courage “May my children always ‘Be strong and courageous’ in their character and in their actions” (Deuteronomy 31:6).

13. Purity “‘Create in [them] a pure heart, O God,’ and let their purity of heart be shown in their actions” (Psalm 51:10).

14. Kindness “Lord, may my children ‘always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else’” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

15. Generosity “Grant that my children may ‘be generous and willing to share [and so] lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age’” (1 Timothy 6:18-19).

16. Peace, Peaceability “Father, let my children ‘make every effort to do what leads to peace’” (Romans 14:19).

17. Joy ”May my children be filled ‘with the joy given by the Holy Spirit’” (1 Thessalonians 1:6).

18. Perseverance ”Lord, teach my children perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to ‘run with perseverance the race marked out for [them]‘” (Hebrews 12:1).

19. Humility ”God, please cultivate in my children the ability to ’show true humility toward all’” (Titus 3:2).

20. Compassion ”Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassion” (Colossians 3:12).

21. Responsibility ”Grant that my children may learn responsibility, ‘for each one should carry his own load’” (Galatians 6:5).

22. Contentment ”Father, teach my children ‘the secret of being content in any and every situation. . . . through him who gives [them] strength’” (Philippians 4:12-13).

23. Faith "I pray that faith will find root and grow in my children’s hearts, that by faith they may gain what has been promised to them” (Luke 17:5-6, Hebrews 11:1-40).

24. A Servants Heart "God, please help my children develop servant hearts, that they may serve wholeheartedly, ‘as to the Lord, and not to men’” (Ephesians 6:7, KJV).

25. Hope "May the God of hope grant that my children may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).

26. The Willingness and Ability to Work Hard ”Teach my children, Lord, to value work and to work hard at everything they do, ‘as working for the Lord, not for men’” (Colossians 3:23).

27. A Passion for God ”Lord, please instill in my children a soul that “followeth hard after thee,” a heart that clings passionately to you (Psalm 63:8, KJV).

28. Self-discipline ”Father, I pray that my children may develop self-discipline, that they may acquire ‘a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair’” (Proverbs 1:3).

29. Prayerfulness "Grant, Lord, that my children’s lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to ‘pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests” (Ephesians 6:18).


30. Gratitude ”Help my children to live lives that are always ‘overflowing with thankfulness,’ ‘always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ’” (Colossians 2:7, Ephesians 5:20).

31. A Heart for Missions "Lord, please help my children to develop a heart for missions, a desire to see your glory declared among the nations, your marvelous deeds among all peoples” (Psalm 96:3).

dear broken hearts,

Dear Broken Hearts,

I am writing to you because I owe you an apology. For a time, you entrusted me with your love, with your friendship, with your secrets; and I failed you.

My selfish pride took over. I ruined the fragile bonds of trust that we had built. And I hope you can forgive me.

I lied to you. I used you. I intentionally hurt you. I abondoned you. I sinned againt you. I broke promises I had made to you. I let you down. I twisted your words. I talked behind your back. I disappointed both you and I.

I didn't stick up for you. I didn't stay by your side. I didn't hold your hand. I didn't protect your reputation. I didn't let you be yourself. I didn't allow you to get into my heart. I didn't tell you why I left. I didn't tell you where I was. I didn't say anything.

I am truly and fiercely sorry. I hope desperately that you can forgive me. I hate living with the knowledge that I have hurt so many, so badly. But, I know that love covers a multitude of sins, and so I am sending my love. I will just wait and pray that my love finds you with a smile on your face, and forgiveness in your heart.

With all my love and sincerity,
Hannah

[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works. ~T.E. Kalem

"don't postpone joy until you have learned all your lessons. joy is your lesson."

(Title quote by Alan Cohen)

Psalm 19:8-The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

Psalm 21:6-Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.

I am so far away from understanding the Lord. But today as I am trying to find joy and stop complaining, I find that I have joy, or I should, I am just refusing to recognize it.

What I am missing out on is spelled out in scripture. Joy, according to these verses, is in the commands and presence of the Lord. Not in a chai tea latte, or a new sweater, or my husband, or my children, or a rainy afternoon, or a hot shower. I am seeking happiness and I am seeking to fill my life with things and people that take my mind off of pain and challenges. But, as I turn more and more toward those things, I am noticing a shifting away from the Lord. A shift away from the joy of just sitting with my Savior, the joy of prayer, the joy of following the Lord, the joy of living His commands.

The challenges I am facing are, most often, consequences of my own disobedience and pride. Rather than "crying over spilled milk" and other such petty things, I want my heart to be broken for the things that are on my Father's heart. I want my heart to be broken over single mothers, abuse, starvation, poverty, excessive wealth, sin, greed, abortions, people who are in need, orphans and widows.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

"we could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world"

(Title quote by Hellen Keller)

I won't complain. I will just say that I hope that God hears my prayers in which I ask to quickly learn whatever it is He is trying to teach me.


One thing that I know that God is trying to teach me is patience. And reliance. And to pray. And to let God be my rest. And to let God be God. And that I am not in control. And that I have only got to the tip of the iceberg on starting to understand who God is and why He is that way. And a hundred other things.

Do you ever feel like telling God, "Hey God, I am a bit worn thin. Let's pick one thing and work on that for a while. I know I have a lot to work on. I am just going to be a long, tedious project."

That is totally my prayer today!

But, despite all, God is good. I can be thankful. I can have joy. And I can share about that.

So, tomorrow. A whole post on JOY and THANKSGIVING!

And thanks to THIS LADY for the idea of a nice cup of hot cocoa!

a life story

I have been thinking about what story I should share.

And I decided to pick the following story because I feel like the circumstances around this story gave me some amazing insight to a thing that not everyone goes through or understands.

So, I went to a doctor's appointment at the Air Force Base in Minot. I had some routine blood work done. A few days later, my doctor called me back in to go over the results. She told me that I tested positive for Hepatitis C. For those 'non-medically minded' readers, this is a life threatening liver disease that requires harsh treatment similar to chemo/radiation. It spreads through blood mostly. She said that sometimes the test can show a false positive so she wanted to test it a few more times. We did four different tests, all of which came back positive.

I was devistated.

I officially tagged myself as a walking bio-hazard. How would I ever spend time with anyone I loved? I had an infectious disease that I could spread. How would I ever have children? I could pass it on to them, or this disease could take my life and I would leave motherless children.

I dealt with four or five months of this diagnosis very poorly. I started smoking cigarettes. I can't exactly say why but maybe this was my own personal way of being in control of the harm being done to my body. I just didn't care. I was dying anyway. I started drinking, not a lot, or too much. Just a glass or two of wine a few nights a week. Normally, this would not be a sign of any problem. But I had a liver disease. And drinking alcohol is basically like punching your liver...repeatedly.

I lost hope, I gave up on myself. I didn't know what to do with myself, nor did I really care. I wasn't suicidal at all, I just felt like there wasn't much left for me.

I was referred to a specialist in town. I went to visit with him and was not given much hope or information. He said I needed to be EXTREMELY careful with any scrapes, cuts, broken skin. I couldn't share a toothbrush or set it anywhere unless I disinfected that spot later. And so on....and so on.

So, I took some leave and went on a trip with my family to Washington. We went to this place called Holden Village (I will blog about this amazing place another time.) and we were helping to get the village ready for the tourist season. I got put on a crew that was removing fallen branches and brush from the defensible space (for fire safety). I was so excited because I was on the same crew as my mother and would get to be outside all day. This job quickly turned into a nightmare as walking through the woods started giving me countless scrapes. I had rubbing alcohol to disinfect then bandaids to try to cover up. After about two hours I had to request to be on a different team. The sewing team. I still learned a lot and enjoyed my week, but I was terrified and heartbroken.

After we got home, I traveled back to Minot to work and see me doctor. I went in for more blood work. It came back positive again...but this time it was positively a baby. I was ecstatic, terrified and very confused to say the least. I was definately not planning on having a baby. I had no clue how I was going to handle that. But, alas, that's another story and if I tell it now, this post will be the new Neverending Story.

So, months go by and July comes along. My doctor needs to do more extensive tests to see how far this disease has progressed. He takes more blood...seriously like twenty tubes of it in one sitting. A few days later he calls me and asks me to come back I. He sits me down in his office and tells me that I am not sick. It was a false positive. He has no clue how it happened but he is certain well beyond any doubt that I am perfectly healthy.

Wow.

Wow.

I was in shock. Should I be mad? Who should I call first? I AM GONNA LIVE. Can you sue people for ruining months of your life with false medical information? My baby is ok! It is going to have a mother!!! How I am I gonna call anyone when I am crying so hysterically?

I proceeded to call everyone. EVERYONE.

And I cried, all darn day. Cried and prayed. The most thanksgiving-full prayers I have ever prayed.

So, that's my unique story. There is more to share. But I want to say to everyone who is sick or loves a sick person...my prayers are with you and my heart is broken for you. Stay strong, WAY stronger than I was. I was wrong not to rest in the Lord and not seek support.

If you want someone to talk to, pick God. And if you need someone else, I would be honored to listen. There are thousands of sicknesses, no one easier than the next. But if you are one of those people, please know that God has a plan for your good still. I truly believe that.

Thanks for listening.

"may the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you"

(Title quote Psalm 19:14)

When I was younger, my parents would often play a CD that had scripture memory verses on them and this was one of them.

This verse echoes what I want my day to be filled with as a wife and a mom. Too often the words of my mouth are nagging or said in frustration. They are filled with worldy needs and selfishness. The meditations of my heart are not often ones that would be pleasing to the Lord. And in fact, they aren't even pleasing to me. My heart settles on things that I wish to push to other side of the world. My heart settles on problems and people from LONG ago, that I want nothing to do with.

Today, and hopefully from this day forward, I will pray against this negativity. I will focus my words and my heart on things glorifying to the Lord.

ahh, the satisfaction of a job well done...

I just cleaned my kitchen...CLEAN! I got Miss Ada down for a nap and scrubbbbed! My sinks are shiny, my stove is as clean as it gets now and the dishwasher is running. There is a sweet feeling that comes with being able to step back and look at a clean kitchen.

Now, here I sit. I must say that getting away from chores and babies to sit down with my thoughts has been a great blessing!

I am spending much of today praying through my thoughts, as I should every moment of every day! But today I am pondering staying where we are currently living or moving closer to my parents to help them with their horse ministry. We live only about an hour from them now, but have the opportunity to move to a farm closer to them where we could actually be the location for the ministry. My quandry: as we wait to hear about job opportunities for Tom in that area, our current pastor emailed us to ask how we felt about jumping on board with our local church here and becoming Core Team Members. What an honor it would be to serve with these men and women! Is God calling us to stay? To plant our flag here and run alongside these brothers and sisters?

If you have heard a word from God in our behalf....LET ME KNOW! I am terrible at waiting. Also, I am not so great at sitting and hearing from the Lord. I am a "I need this and this and this....." sort of pray-er too often. So, pray that I will change in that. Also, again, if God chooses to tell YOU what is right for us, just let me know :)