"you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness"

(Title quote from song I currently cannot stop listening to: "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Walk Off The Earth {cover of a Goyte song})

How long do wise words stick with you? How long do you think on things after they touch your heart?

I heard an amazing message this morning from our pastor, Bob Bartlett (you can download it here). It really touched my heart and I felt God moving the wheels in my head for how I should apply it to my life. And I thought on this for about......ten minutes.

Then, we walked out of the building and my mind went to "gee, it's cold", "i wish the kids were able to take a nap right now", "i have a ton of homework to do tonight", "did Tom start the car or will it be freezing", blah blah BLAH.

Since when are my life and the petty things of the 'day to day' more important that my relationship with the Lord. Rather than chatting with Tom about the groceries, I could have continued mulling over the message by talking to him about it. I could have told him that I wanted to pray together about being a more vision and mission driven family.

And while we are on the topic of my relationship with the Lord, let me just share with you the prayer that I ought to be saying on repeat all. day. long.

Dear Lord,

Lord, you are to be praised. You are worthy, and I am thankful for this moment of prayer.

Please help me seek you and serve you in each moment today. Help me prioritize. Fill me with your love, grace, mercy and patience.

Please sell our house.

Also, open the hearts of people around us to our ministry with Stable Days. We know, Lord, that you have a big heart for children who are hurting and in need, and as we seek to serve these kids, we know that you are providing all we need. Continue to provide donors, volunteers, prayer support and wisdom in all we do with this ministry.

Lord, protect my children and my marriage. I want my children to grow in you each day, and I want my marriage to grow each day on the foundations of your Word and your perfect example of unconditional, eternal love.

Forgive me for my sins.

Amen.

P.S. Help me figure out what in the world went wrong with my student loans and why ALL OF THE SUDDEN they decided that I don't qualify for a grant or loan of any type. I know you have a good plan for me; help me keep that in mind despite my current confusion.

Amen, for real.

Ok. SO that is that. Now you know my head and my heart for today.

Last, but not least. My one and only comment leave-er on the giveaway blog....RACHEL! You are the grand prize winner! Please email me your address and I will send you your cozy blanket and rock-star bracelet! Thanks for participating! (hannah.e.lizabeth@live.com is my email)

the kind of woman i wish to be...

Lately, I haven't been the person I want to be.

I have been petty, easily offended, quick to anger, quicker to complain, lazy, slow to serve, self-centered, and all around awful.

Proverbs 31:10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

A Proverbs 31 wife probably doesn't push an issue to prove that she is right. She probably doesn't skip reading her Bible...for like six months. She probably doesn't argue with her husband over silly issues. She probably doesn't spend her money irresponsibly. She probably doesn't complain about her post-baby body. She probably doesn't waste an hour on facebook when she has tasks that need completing.

She probably doesn't....but I totally do.

I can blame it on the fact that I'm tired, or didn't get coffee, or feel sick, or am really stressed, or because its hot outside, or cold outside, or because Adalia is being tough, or because whatever.

The fact of the matter is that the only thing to blame is my enormous lack of character. I need to get on my knees and pray. I need to seek the Lord and ask for strength, wisdom, grace and perseverance. I need to get into the Word. I need to be humble and learn to let things go.

I don't have any solutions or uplifting words, but I felt like sharing.

Hope you are all having an awesome Tuesday!

the most terrifying responsibility

(i found intense inspiration for this post here, please read.)

i have two children to raise.

i want Hunter to be a man. a 'hold-her-hand', 'kill-some-supper', 'not-too-tough-to-pray-on-my-knees', 'dirt-under-my-fingernails', 'farm-boy' man.

i want Adalia to be a woman. a 'modesty-before-style', 'meek-but-strong', 'cookin-in-an-apron', 'tender-loving-care', 'proverbs-31' woman.

i want to pray against generational sin poking its ugly head around in their lives. i want them to memorize scripture so often that its stuffed to the brim in their hearts. i want them to help the helpless and love the unloved. i want them to want not, but to also understand frugality and sacrifice. i want them to love america. i want them to guard their hearts. i want them to be thankful, humble, gracious, giving, perserverant (new word?), Bible-loving, obedient, thoughtful, slow-to-anger perfect creations of a perfect Creator.

i need to rely on the grace of my eternal God to be the parent they need me to be. i have to commit daily to be up to the challenge. to intercede for them in prayer, to discipline them, to love them unconditionally, and to raise them up in the way that they should go.

and I AM A FAILURE. i am a mess-up and a learn-the-hard-way fool. i am undisciplined and a sinner. but God knew just what my kiddos needed in a parent, in a mother, and He completes me if I am in Him and remain in Him and trust in Him and use His strength.

what a terrifying responsibility! and what an undeserved honor...

real life hannah banana

INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST

So, I would call this a 'faq' post, but no one is asking questions yet! Haha...so I will just call this a list of random facts about me and my life!

photo taken by mama near Holden Village, WA

I have been married to the love of my life for nine months today.
We have two lovely children.
Our oldest, Hunter, is my step son.
Our yougest, Adalia, is not biologically my husband's daughter.
Jesus loves me, despite my past...but more importantly, because of my past.
I am a bible-believing, non-denominational Jesus follower!
I play the cello and sing.
My favorite things to do: (besides spend time with my family) hike, sing, canoe, blog, camp, go to farmers markets, learn to cook, and take pictures!
I am twenty-two, almost twenty-three.
56 has always been my favorite number...for no reason that I am aware of.
Green is HANDS DOWN my favorite color!
I am technologically illiterate.
I have completed three semesters of school for Natural Resources.
I took a few years off of school to join the Air National Guard, and also ended up getting married and starting a family!
My husband and I would love to buy a farm, raise some animals, and live as sustainably as we can manage. (shoot me an email if you want to know more about this!)
My husband is starting a new job as a personal trainer with a Lvl 1 Crossfit Certification.
Phineas and Ferb is my favorite cartoon!
We are excited to expand our family, and I am starting some ovulation testing next week!
I blog. (hahahahaha)
I love great music...a few of my favorites are: Sara Bareilles, Adele, The Band Perry, Chris August, Goot, Eels, Eric Hutchinson, Colbie Callait, Jose Gonzalez, Peter Bradley Adams, Missy Higgins, Shawn Mcdonald, and Paolo Nutini.
My parents are my heros. See why here.

If you are curious about anything else, feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email!

my attitude was stinking more than adalia's poopy diaper...

Good morning! This is my new perm...after two days of sleeping on it, getting spit up on, and chasing our energetic three year old around the house! I promise to post better pictures of it after I have some time to shower!


Topic of my heart today: have you ever tried to change your attitude without changing your circumstance?

This morning as I was playing with our two kids, I got the bad mood bug. And for like thirty minutes I just kept thinking, "Once Tom gets home, I can give him the kids, take a hot shower, and work on changing my mood." One problem with this idea is that if I wouldn't have changed my mood before Tom got home, I probably would have been rude, needy, pushy, quick to anger...towards Tom, my unsuspecting and sweet husband. My bad attitude would have had the potential to ruin his day. The second major flaw in that plan is that I would have learned nothing. I would have let my laziness of character win this battle. I wouldn't have to pray through it. AND rather than giving glory to God when I finally worked up a mood change...I would have thanked my husband and my shower. God deserves praise and it is so easy to steal that praise away from Him and give it to 'idols' and others.

So, that is another lesson learned.

A question for my readers...and a sneak peek at my topic for tomorrow: how many of you (mothers and wives especially) have felt that restlessness in your heart to do something...anything besides your mothering and wifely job? To clarify, how many of you just get burned out and think that you just want to be a rocket scientist today or a doctor or a barista or an adventurer, rather than doing what God has called you to do? Maybe a discontentment...  Anyway, HIT ME UP! Let me know what you think...what have you gone through in this regard...and any wisdom you could pass on about the subject!

dear broken hearts,

Dear Broken Hearts,

I am writing to you because I owe you an apology. For a time, you entrusted me with your love, with your friendship, with your secrets; and I failed you.

My selfish pride took over. I ruined the fragile bonds of trust that we had built. And I hope you can forgive me.

I lied to you. I used you. I intentionally hurt you. I abondoned you. I sinned againt you. I broke promises I had made to you. I let you down. I twisted your words. I talked behind your back. I disappointed both you and I.

I didn't stick up for you. I didn't stay by your side. I didn't hold your hand. I didn't protect your reputation. I didn't let you be yourself. I didn't allow you to get into my heart. I didn't tell you why I left. I didn't tell you where I was. I didn't say anything.

I am truly and fiercely sorry. I hope desperately that you can forgive me. I hate living with the knowledge that I have hurt so many, so badly. But, I know that love covers a multitude of sins, and so I am sending my love. I will just wait and pray that my love finds you with a smile on your face, and forgiveness in your heart.

With all my love and sincerity,
Hannah

[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works. ~T.E. Kalem

sometimes you just have to drop it...

Arguements are brutal. They make me want to hide away somewhere. And my pride steps in and picks my words for me, and usually sets the tone for my attitude.

And sometimes, I KNOW I'm right. I feel strongly about proving a point. I think that it is what is best for our family.

And still...sometimes, I have to drop it.

I have to set aside my arguement, my side of the story. I have to not only drop that subject, but avoid bringing up a hundred other subjects that I know will cause strife.

This morning, my pride won. And I feel this gap between my heart and Tom's heart. But I know how to heal it...my pride is just begging me to hold onto my anger and hurt feelings.

I will make things right. Even if it is through gritted teeth.

Hannah:1 Pride:0

"don't postpone joy until you have learned all your lessons. joy is your lesson."

(Title quote by Alan Cohen)

Psalm 19:8-The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

Psalm 21:6-Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.

I am so far away from understanding the Lord. But today as I am trying to find joy and stop complaining, I find that I have joy, or I should, I am just refusing to recognize it.

What I am missing out on is spelled out in scripture. Joy, according to these verses, is in the commands and presence of the Lord. Not in a chai tea latte, or a new sweater, or my husband, or my children, or a rainy afternoon, or a hot shower. I am seeking happiness and I am seeking to fill my life with things and people that take my mind off of pain and challenges. But, as I turn more and more toward those things, I am noticing a shifting away from the Lord. A shift away from the joy of just sitting with my Savior, the joy of prayer, the joy of following the Lord, the joy of living His commands.

The challenges I am facing are, most often, consequences of my own disobedience and pride. Rather than "crying over spilled milk" and other such petty things, I want my heart to be broken for the things that are on my Father's heart. I want my heart to be broken over single mothers, abuse, starvation, poverty, excessive wealth, sin, greed, abortions, people who are in need, orphans and widows.

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

"we could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world"

(Title quote by Hellen Keller)

I won't complain. I will just say that I hope that God hears my prayers in which I ask to quickly learn whatever it is He is trying to teach me.


One thing that I know that God is trying to teach me is patience. And reliance. And to pray. And to let God be my rest. And to let God be God. And that I am not in control. And that I have only got to the tip of the iceberg on starting to understand who God is and why He is that way. And a hundred other things.

Do you ever feel like telling God, "Hey God, I am a bit worn thin. Let's pick one thing and work on that for a while. I know I have a lot to work on. I am just going to be a long, tedious project."

That is totally my prayer today!

But, despite all, God is good. I can be thankful. I can have joy. And I can share about that.

So, tomorrow. A whole post on JOY and THANKSGIVING!

And thanks to THIS LADY for the idea of a nice cup of hot cocoa!

"people who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one"

(Title quote by Leo J. Burke)

Hello!

Adalia had a super rough five hours in the middle of today. TOTALLY wiped me out. I am not sure if she is teething, stressed, sick, or just crazy.

She is convinced that she only needs one nap a day though now. She went from a steady three naps a day, to one nap of about two hours. She is still super tired trying to play and go for walks with this new nap schedule that I end up with quite a few pictures like these:

We moved one van load of stuff from our house in Moorhead to my parents house. We are excited about this move! It will be challenging to live with my parents for a few reasons, mostly because we have a scream-y seven month old, but we are ready to handle that and sure that God has a great plan in all of this. It is just temporary, and we may need to just remind ourselves of that on rough days!

My Papa and Nana are coming to visit soon and I am so excited to see them! It's been too long! I have some cool sewing projects that my Nana can, hopefully, help me out with!

Tomorrow will be a busy day for me. I must send off some bills, forward our mail, call our banker, go for a run?, shower!, and hopefully do some work in the third floor where we will be residing! Once we get settled in I will post pictures of our new "home".

That's about all I have to share! Hope you are all doing well! Goodnight!

i lied...

So, Tom and I had to make an inpromptu trip to my parents house this weekend, hence me breaking my promise and not blogging yesterday. We are moving and will be living with my parents until our housing plan is figured out. After putting in two offers on two different farms and getting turned down, we are a bit discouraged and confused about what to do next. Anyway, we had to get my parents house ready to have four more crazies running around.

I have the plan drawn up for the built in crib and will post it no later than Monday.

For now, I am going to gobble up some cold medicine, take a boiling hot shower, and hope that I can get a wink or five of sleep.

Please forgive my lack of diligence in writing. I will make up for it!

For now, please comment and tell me if you think I should get another perm or keep my hair straight. QUANDRY!

(permed)

(not permed)

(not permed, just styled)

warning: i am going to complain

Tom's phone broke :(

And he works like ten thousand miles away from home.

And the phone company can't do anything till he is back in town.

Darn technology.

Just so all of you know how TRAGIC this is...Tom is the greatest husband in the world. If you have a husband, you may be disagreeing with me. But seriously, he is. He calls me every night that he is away to ask how my day was and to tell me that I'm awesome and that he appreciates how hard I work for our family. He tells me about his day and that he wishes I was with him (sometimes he says naked, but that allowed cause we're married- ha). We talk about our weekend plans and usually get a little bit bummed out about how short our weekend will seem.

SO. My point is...THIS SUCKS.

That is all.

Oh wait, this is a picture of him...in all his amazing-ness.

P.S. If you create a teleporting machine that can let Tom work far away but still be home between shifts...I will love you forever and somehow find a way to pay you millions of dollars for your smarts.

a life story

I have been thinking about what story I should share.

And I decided to pick the following story because I feel like the circumstances around this story gave me some amazing insight to a thing that not everyone goes through or understands.

So, I went to a doctor's appointment at the Air Force Base in Minot. I had some routine blood work done. A few days later, my doctor called me back in to go over the results. She told me that I tested positive for Hepatitis C. For those 'non-medically minded' readers, this is a life threatening liver disease that requires harsh treatment similar to chemo/radiation. It spreads through blood mostly. She said that sometimes the test can show a false positive so she wanted to test it a few more times. We did four different tests, all of which came back positive.

I was devistated.

I officially tagged myself as a walking bio-hazard. How would I ever spend time with anyone I loved? I had an infectious disease that I could spread. How would I ever have children? I could pass it on to them, or this disease could take my life and I would leave motherless children.

I dealt with four or five months of this diagnosis very poorly. I started smoking cigarettes. I can't exactly say why but maybe this was my own personal way of being in control of the harm being done to my body. I just didn't care. I was dying anyway. I started drinking, not a lot, or too much. Just a glass or two of wine a few nights a week. Normally, this would not be a sign of any problem. But I had a liver disease. And drinking alcohol is basically like punching your liver...repeatedly.

I lost hope, I gave up on myself. I didn't know what to do with myself, nor did I really care. I wasn't suicidal at all, I just felt like there wasn't much left for me.

I was referred to a specialist in town. I went to visit with him and was not given much hope or information. He said I needed to be EXTREMELY careful with any scrapes, cuts, broken skin. I couldn't share a toothbrush or set it anywhere unless I disinfected that spot later. And so on....and so on.

So, I took some leave and went on a trip with my family to Washington. We went to this place called Holden Village (I will blog about this amazing place another time.) and we were helping to get the village ready for the tourist season. I got put on a crew that was removing fallen branches and brush from the defensible space (for fire safety). I was so excited because I was on the same crew as my mother and would get to be outside all day. This job quickly turned into a nightmare as walking through the woods started giving me countless scrapes. I had rubbing alcohol to disinfect then bandaids to try to cover up. After about two hours I had to request to be on a different team. The sewing team. I still learned a lot and enjoyed my week, but I was terrified and heartbroken.

After we got home, I traveled back to Minot to work and see me doctor. I went in for more blood work. It came back positive again...but this time it was positively a baby. I was ecstatic, terrified and very confused to say the least. I was definately not planning on having a baby. I had no clue how I was going to handle that. But, alas, that's another story and if I tell it now, this post will be the new Neverending Story.

So, months go by and July comes along. My doctor needs to do more extensive tests to see how far this disease has progressed. He takes more blood...seriously like twenty tubes of it in one sitting. A few days later he calls me and asks me to come back I. He sits me down in his office and tells me that I am not sick. It was a false positive. He has no clue how it happened but he is certain well beyond any doubt that I am perfectly healthy.

Wow.

Wow.

I was in shock. Should I be mad? Who should I call first? I AM GONNA LIVE. Can you sue people for ruining months of your life with false medical information? My baby is ok! It is going to have a mother!!! How I am I gonna call anyone when I am crying so hysterically?

I proceeded to call everyone. EVERYONE.

And I cried, all darn day. Cried and prayed. The most thanksgiving-full prayers I have ever prayed.

So, that's my unique story. There is more to share. But I want to say to everyone who is sick or loves a sick person...my prayers are with you and my heart is broken for you. Stay strong, WAY stronger than I was. I was wrong not to rest in the Lord and not seek support.

If you want someone to talk to, pick God. And if you need someone else, I would be honored to listen. There are thousands of sicknesses, no one easier than the next. But if you are one of those people, please know that God has a plan for your good still. I truly believe that.

Thanks for listening.