bad to the bone

You know that question that people pass around..."Why do bad things always happen to good people?"

Are you a good person?

Really?

Did you say yes?

I, honestly, said no. When did we mix this up? When did we start feeling so entitled? Since when do we deserve ANYTHING besides death for our sin?

Please understand that I am not forgetting salvation. Jesus died for us so that we can live forever in heaven if we accept the perfect gift of His love and sacrifice for us.

But we are SIN. We are sinful by nature, bad to the bone. We have a lot to look forward to after death if we are saved...but this life, this life never holds promises of ease or comfort. This is not our home and many of us suffer deeply and often for the time we are here.

It seems like the nicest people get cancer. It seems like the sweetest children are born with tumors and heart diseases. It seems like the most mature of my girlfriends have to go through brutal break-ups. It's always the people with great marriages that end up in fatal car accidents. The sweetest mom has the child with special needs. The most fantastic families whose homes burn to the ground.

But, don't be fooled. We are not so good that we are undeserving. We are filth. Outside of Christ we are sin so dark that God cannot stand us.

This may seem like a brutal reminder, but I was thinking on this today and wanted to share. We often need to be reminded of grace, salvation, mercy, peace, love and sweet praise-worthy promises. But today I thought that I would remind you of our hideousness in sin...but not to bring you down. No, I think we need to look at our horrible sinfulness to help us remember how much we need salvation, how much we need our Savior.

ugliness.

Darn hurt feelings.

Today, I got my feelings hurt and took it way too far.

Tom said something to me that I took offense to. And I should have checked his character against my feelings; I should have KNOWN that my Tom would never try to say something to hurt me. I should have taken what I know about him, and held it up next to how I was feeling and said "Hey, this doesn't match up. I must be overreacting."

Instead, I got super defensive. Then I took all that nasty hurt and threw it back at him, feeling like I deserved a HUGE apology.

And he apologized. And was defeated.

And as I watched him explain and apologize, my heart broke. It softened. God said, "Look at what your pride and entitlement got you. Now YOU are in the wrong. Now you have to apologize. And that means you have to let go the thought that you deserve to be babied and pitied."

I was so thankful for my forgiving husband, but also for God meeting me there right in that moment and opening my eyes and my heart to the reality of the situation. I was wrong, DEAD wrong.

Isn't pride so hideous?

dear broken hearts,

Dear Broken Hearts,

I am writing to you because I owe you an apology. For a time, you entrusted me with your love, with your friendship, with your secrets; and I failed you.

My selfish pride took over. I ruined the fragile bonds of trust that we had built. And I hope you can forgive me.

I lied to you. I used you. I intentionally hurt you. I abondoned you. I sinned againt you. I broke promises I had made to you. I let you down. I twisted your words. I talked behind your back. I disappointed both you and I.

I didn't stick up for you. I didn't stay by your side. I didn't hold your hand. I didn't protect your reputation. I didn't let you be yourself. I didn't allow you to get into my heart. I didn't tell you why I left. I didn't tell you where I was. I didn't say anything.

I am truly and fiercely sorry. I hope desperately that you can forgive me. I hate living with the knowledge that I have hurt so many, so badly. But, I know that love covers a multitude of sins, and so I am sending my love. I will just wait and pray that my love finds you with a smile on your face, and forgiveness in your heart.

With all my love and sincerity,
Hannah

[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works. ~T.E. Kalem

sometimes you just have to drop it...

Arguements are brutal. They make me want to hide away somewhere. And my pride steps in and picks my words for me, and usually sets the tone for my attitude.

And sometimes, I KNOW I'm right. I feel strongly about proving a point. I think that it is what is best for our family.

And still...sometimes, I have to drop it.

I have to set aside my arguement, my side of the story. I have to not only drop that subject, but avoid bringing up a hundred other subjects that I know will cause strife.

This morning, my pride won. And I feel this gap between my heart and Tom's heart. But I know how to heal it...my pride is just begging me to hold onto my anger and hurt feelings.

I will make things right. Even if it is through gritted teeth.

Hannah:1 Pride:0